The Midnight News 05.24.04

Posted by Hyatte on 05.24.2004

Typos!, Owen, The Other Show Stoppa, The Return of Hal Jotsky, Movies, Trips, Scripted Stuff, and Tons of Advice

Dear Chriss Hyatte,

First things first, thank you, you finally printed my last letter... which makes it all that much harder to give you a hard time? But, sence you tend to print the more abbusive letters in your column then the ones kissing your ass (which is what makes it good) I guess i'm just going to have to kick it up a notch. So with out further ado, (and i think you will never put this up in a million years.)

WHY SCOTT KETIH IS BETTER THEN HYATTE (may heaven have

mercy on my soul)

1) Scott Keith isn't foolish enough to beleive any wwe super star would bother talking to him even once, let alone twice.

2) Scott Keith Actaully has put his petty bious aside and actaully started giving HHH credit, not to piss people off, but because he sincerly thinks HHH has actaul been improving.

3) Scott Keith has actaully started giving raw credit for improving its product, and had the mind to say when its up and down instead of just sucking up to some guy claiming to be vince mc man.

(okay so its a short list, and only 1 or 2 of them were on piont look who I had to work with here?)

In any case get off scotters ass, he's been pretty fair to the product, and hell he's fucking giving Eugine credit. If you ignore his smack down column he's been down right uplifting lately. Oh and for the record, you don't need to defend HHH anymore, i think he's pretty much won everyone over, and maybe just maybe he does get a kick out of knowing he can do it (which would mean he does care). He does love the business, if you beleive a word of what he says. To have people appriciate his work must actual bring him up some nights when his body is so riddled with pain from years of injuries to have some guy(even some slub) say hay nice job, might be a pick me up, I'm not saying he needs it. I'm just saying i'm sure he doesn't mind it.

Who knows maybe HHH taking over Vinces spot in the WWE might be the best thing to ever happen to the company, if and when it happens. Oh I'm pretty much done busting your balls for the Vince imposter, your young, and impressioable, hell I might fall for the same crap if i were in your shoes. I'm sure if it is Vince, you'll find a proper way to suck up and maybe just maybe get yourself a job writing for the wwe column some day, and who knows that might be something readable.

Oh and if your looking for a real challenge start writing why J.R. is better then you. Feel free to post just the top of the letter for an intro to your column and bitch me out, after all you've been a damn good sport to me and the rest of the assholes giving you a hard time, and whats more you even answer us.

Sincerly Anthony(Aka A fan)

A: Actually, Scott IS that foolish…

B: I’ve NEVER had any petty bias and ALWAYS gave credit where credit is due… which makes me just about better than EVERYONE

C: Please… people… do NOT send me letters talking about Scooter’s various columns… I swear to you… I never read them… I DO read his blog tho’… a fascinating look at a man who would have nothing to say were it not for television shows.

D: But.. it IS Vince… the REAL Vince writing for my Thursday column… I SWEAR! Why is this so hard to accept?

E: “JR is Better Than You Because…” errr… uhh… how do I put this nicely… oh, I can’t, NO, STUPID!

F: Two words: Spell checker. Thank you.

Hi, I love your site! I have a comment/question.... I hate how WWE has a monopoly on the wrestling business; My main problem with it is when McMahon hates someone, or thinks that they are to old, they are done in this business. What else can you do, go to TNA? HAHA!! Come on!!

Randy Savage, Scott Hall, Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Sean O'Haire, Sting, Lex Luger and many, many others could be good announcers, managers, or wrestlers for WWE or somewhere, but they will not get another chance, because Vince thinks that they are too old or washed up.

I like pushing new stars too like Randy Orton, Batista and such, but the show would be so much better with a few of the "old guys" to keep our attention.

What do you think of this?

Al Fucsko

I think you have an EXTREMELY funny last name, Al. Thanks for writing!

Hello mouthbreathers, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Alpha. I had an extended vacation last week because… well, it’s just a long story that no one REALLY wants to hear and I don’t want to type… so let’s ignore it and move along, shall we? Let’s pretend that you’re thoughts and opinions count with what I put in here. Let’s pretend I listen to your opinions, shall we? Excellent…

SUPER slow news week…so expect very little in terms of actual, torn from the headlines news this time out… I really have very little to work with

ALAS POOR OWEN… I KNEW HIM WELL

Actually, I didn’t know Owen Hart in the slightest, but 5 years ago yesterday he died.

Of course, the net has recognized this tragic, tragic anniversary with proper respect… many top “comedy” net writers have posted dead serious “I remember Owen and I care” columns lamenting on what Owen meant TO them and were they were when he died.

Indeed… this I wrestling’s 9-11… and if we don’t take it seriously, then Usama wins!!

As for me… I like to reflect on Owen’s career with a sad smile of potential wasted… of innocence lost… of careers unhinged. How many wrestlers have missed out the opportunity of a push by having Owen fed to them for a nice PPV win? How many mid-card workers have missed the opportunity of feeling gold around their waist by being partnered with Owen for a brief tag title reign? How many glorious Smackdown moments have we missed because Owen isn’t around for the obligatory “I am not a damn cruiserweight!! Why am I being booked as one?” angle How many? COUNTLESS!!

Ever wonder… during this terrible, terrible anniversary, just what Owen would say were he alive today? What if he just came back? What if God… oh, right, he’s Canadian… what if SATAN decided to send him back to us… what would he think of the current state of rasslin’?

Well, thank GOD you have a genius such as me to tell you EXACTLY what he would say… having never met the man in any way, shape, or form…

IF OWEN WERE ALIVE, HE WOULD SAY…

-Okay, which one of you assholes pushed me?

-Why is Bret talking like a damn ‘tard?

-Bret fell off a BIKE?? What a damn idiot.

-Who did Hunter blow to get so high in management?

-Jesus, someone tell Stephanie to lay off the back bacon, eh.

-HA! Shawn’s bald! HA! YA DAMN GOOFBALL!!

-The bloody fuck is Bischoff doing here?

-Hey Vince, still pissed I crippled Austin? Or do you now wish I finished the damn job?

-It’s been almost ten years and I STILL haven’t figured out why you hosers stuck me in the Nation of Domination.

-Rob Feinstein did WHAT?

-Where the hell is Chyna?

-Why is that damn fool Rocky making movies?

-Sable’s still here?

-Benoit?? Guerrero?? Champions? Are you fucking shitting me?

-It’s been five years, least you can do is smile, J.R.

-Flair is still alive?

-I’m sure my fellow countrymen have forgotten all about what Vince did to my brother. They aren’t THAT pathetic.

-Who’s writing this shit. Where the fuck is Russo?

-Why is Issac Yankem dressed like a damn firetruck?

-Jesus, any more facelifts and Lawler’s balls will be in his throat.

-Why am I here? Shouldn’t I be re-uniting with my wife and kids?

Alas… poor Owen… he was not a damn nugget.

ROCKIN’ AFTER MIDNIGHT

A few weeks ago the only chick who writes for the Torch passed along an announcement from Marty Jannetty that he was bringing back the Rockers for the Millenium. Precious few people noticed… for two big reasons 1) Who fucking cares and 2) who reads the fucking Torch writers other than Keller, Mitchell, and Powell? (Oh bitch please… no one’s lining up to read Pat McNeil or James Guttman… who are you kidding?)

Well, I care… sort of… actually, I just thought it was fun to read Jannetty’s announcement and READ between the LINES… like I ALWAYS do. Only THIS time… I’ll SHARE what I have observed. I will explain to you EXACTLY what Marty REALLY means…

“Hello to any and all wrestling promotions interested in gaining an edge in our industry. (Heh, by referencing a top WWE star like Copeland, I’ll subliminally make them think I’m still a top star! Jannetty Rules!! Where’s my coke!) While you may or may not be aware of my reputation as living a wild and off-the-wall lifestyle (My sphincter is still loose), you certainly know of my very respected reputation in this industry (I swallow so as to not to stain your pants), as a great worker and part of a tag team considered one of the best ever, the Rockers with Shawn Michaels (Won’t that bastard die already?).

Well, I am now involved with a project that has the potential of surpassing the popularity of the Rockers (Dear Christ, I’m living in the trunk of my Miata), "The New Millennium Rockers." (My MIATA!!) I am in the best physical shape I have ever been in (I haven’t eaten for weeks) and am fortunate enough to still be able to do it all in the ring and more (I’ll even help build the thing, take it down, and usher people to their seats).

While upstaging the Rockers of old would require WWE-type budget (and Shawn Michaels), the New Millennium Rockers will be an asset for whomever uses it. It brings to the wrestling fans one member of the well-known great team, Marty Janetty (I still have the mullet too!). This team also has the advantage of having a new wrestling sensation, a great looking guy, body and face, with that "it" factor that is almost unbelievable (And he’s stupid enough to fall for this plan) . He has a natural knack for entertainment, almost as if born for this business (His cock is 9 inches). He goes by the name of Rod "The Bod." (I made up the name! See how current I am!)

Here is the thing that makes this a sure winner (We’ll work for soup.)...we work together in the ring like we have been doing it for years (He does all the work, I cheer him on.). It's just perfect chemistry, as Shawn and I had (He doesn’t return my phone calls, traitorous bastard!) . I have been in this industry 20 years and know the business (I can get the best crack in any town.). Vince McMahon used to tell me I had a great mind for this industry and often asked my opinions on certain aspects of philosophy and psychology (and one day, he might use a few of them) . The bottom line is this...we've got something hot here (I’m so hungry, I live on wads of spat-out chewing gum).

So, if what I have just informed you of strikes your curiosity at all, take a chance(SOMEONE HELP ME!!!) . We are available for bookings (Weddings, Bar Mitvahs, Stag parties, anything, oh god). We are very affordable (SOUP!), as we need exposure to back the hype. E-mail us at newmilleniumrockers@yahoo.com. We will get back with you ASAP(I’ll personally come to your house and vacuum as we negotiate.) . I am not cocky or self absorbed in any way...as Curt Hennig (bastard’s lucky he died.) used to say, "no brags, just facts." I know this industry, and I wouldn't embarrass myself with false hype and info (We’re the REAL Showstoppers… we’ll grind any show we’re on to a screeching halt!).

Thanks in advance,

Rock On

Marty Jannetty

There you go…

One would think that a more appropriate name for this team might be: “The New Adult Contemporaries”… seeing how Marty’s older than… oh nevermind.

I wish the bastard luck!

…..

Man… I can be SUCH the prick

WRESTLING IN THE CATSKILLS

From a bygone era, from the era that begat such legends as Henny, Shecky, and Lenny…

Back by popular demand, and after promising me a cleaner, less offensive set, 411, Chris Hyatte, and the Midnight News is proud to present

An Evening with Hal Jotsky: The King of the Wrestling One Liners

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen! Sell my headlock, please! (Ba-dum dum)

My wife is something else. Last month, after some hot sex, I rolled off and said, “How was that?” She responded by sending me to Ohio for some seasoning. (*rim shot)

Boy, my wife can be cruel. She’s the only woman I know who refers to her children as her “blown spots” (BUTIGOTTATELLYA!)

My wife, God Bless her. The other night I told her I wanted to put her in the Figure Four Leglock, she said, “Oh no, none of that Kama Sutra crap with me, buddy!” (HO!)

I’m trying to teach my wife a little wrestling history! Last night I told her about how the Ultimate Warrior was famous for working stiff! She said, “So, if you wear facepaint and shake the ropes you’ll be able to last longer than ten seconds?”(YOW!)

Told her that Bradshaw was a Potato factory! She said, “Really? Does he add the salt and vinegar too? Or does someone else do that? (POW!)

HAL JOTSKY, EVERYONE! HOW ABOUT A BIG HAND FOR HAL!

Thank you, you’re a great audience! Wrestling is a great sport, but some of your wrestlers aren’t the brightest bulbs. The other day, I saw a bunch of WWE Superstars pushing a house down the street! They wee trying to jump start the furnace! (HEY NOW!)

But I LOVE the WWE! It’s a lot like a granola bar! Once you get past the flakes and the nuts, all you have left are the fruits! (WASSUP!)

Now I don’t want to say that wresters are DUMB, but the three most difficult years for a wrestler is the second grade! (HIT ME!!)

HAL JOTSKY!!! GIVE IT UP FOR HAL JOTSKY EVERYONE!!!

Aww you are a good crowd! Let’s see who’s in the audience!

Uh oh, remember Mr. Jotsky, you promised to be nice!

Hey look, it’s Paul Heyman! How are you today, Paul? Now, I don’t want to say that Heyman is a typical Jew, but his idea of foreplay is a half and hour of begging! (YO!!)

Heyman’s people are a crazy bunch! Who else would wander the desert for forty years just because someone dropped a quarter? (YOWZA!!)

err… Mr. Jotsky..

Speaking of Jews, I see Bill Goldberg in the audience! If Bill looks confused it’s because of his latest dilemma! You see, his local butcher has a half-priced sale on ham! (RAT-A-TAT-TAT)

Mr. Jotsky!!

And there in the back is RAVEN, another Jew! Now, I don’t want to say that Raven is a gay, but there’s a reason everyone calls him a “HeBlew” (POCKATAPOCK!!)

JOTSKY!!! CUT IT OUT!!

Oh relax kid. Look, there are the WWE Divas! It reminds me of the time my son asked me for five dollars so he can buy a Guinea Pig. I gave him a ten and told him to pick up Nidia, instead. (BOOYA!!)

Who’s that over there? Well Hell, it’s Bruno Sammartino! How did he sneak in here? But seriously, folks, Bruno is one proud Italian wrestler! The only problem with being an Italian wrestler is that he keeps making himself an offer he can’t understand! (LIKEITLOVEIT!!)

HAHAHA!! GOD BLESS THE ITALIANOS!!! EVERYONE CAN MAKE FUN OF THEM!!

And there, in the third row, is WWE Champion Eddie Guerrero! Better watch out Eddie, I see Jazz and Gail Kim staring hard at you with love in their eyes! Sorry girls, but Eddie won’t marry either of you! He won’t marry Jazz because he doesn’t want to raise kids who are too lazy to steal! (BEBOPALOOPBOP!!)

And he won’t marry Gail Kim because he doesn’t want to raise kids who can’t drive the cars they steal! (BIPBAMBOO!!)

Oh God… PLEASE, Mr. Jotsky!

Over the back, near the buffet table is Booker T! Hi Booker!! Now, I don’t want to say that Booker is stupid but… well, the last time he had diarrhea, he thought he was melting! (BUGABOO!!!)

… sweet Jesus, no.

Why does Booker where white gloves when he eats? So he won’t bite off his fingers when he reaches the end of his Tootsie Roll (BOONDOGGY!!!)

… MR. JOTSKY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

What’s black and white and rolls down the street? Booker T and a pigeon fighting over the last chicken wing!! (HOWDOYALIKETHAT??)

Booker had a rough childhood! His momma never let him play in the park sandbox because cats kept trying to bury him (BOYI’LLTELLYA!!)

THAT’S IT!!! SHOW’S OVER!!!

No, no, relax kid. Look, here in the front row, like royalty… the McMahon family! Vince, Linda, Shane, Stephanie, HHH, Marissa, and Shane’s new child! Hi Folks, how are you?

Okay… he’s off the blue material. Please, Mr. Jotsky, go easy!

If Vince is feeling grumpy these days it’s only because of Linda. Let’s put it to you this way, the reason Linda only wears either pants or long skirts is to hide the no-pest strip! (CACUMKIN!!!)

Oh God!

If Linda was a computer, everyone would want one because it would never go down! (POPAPOPPY!!)

NONONOOOO!!

Hey Linda, I’ve got a joke here that’s so funny your tits will fall off! WHOOPS, too late! (KABLAM!!)

And, of course, the lovely new bride Stephanie McMahon Helmsley! Uh oh, it looks like Stephanie is having her period! She’s only wearing one sock! (BOING!!)

Now, seriously, Stephanie is a nice girl, and smart as a whip. But before she got married, she had her share of fun! I don’t want to say that Stephanie is well used, but the difference between her and a bowling ball is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball!! (HOWZABOUTDEMAPPLES!!)

I think it’s time to go, Mr. Jotsky!

And there’s Shane McMahon, his wife, Marissa, and their new son, Declan James McMahon! Reminds me of an old joke. How did Declan James cross the road? Stapled to a chicken! (HOCHIMIN!!)

Baby jokes? YOU’RE MAKING BABY JOKES??

Shut up!! I’m Hal Jotsky!! Hey Shane! What’s red and silver and crawls into walls? Declan James with forks in his eyes!! (YESSIREEBOB!!)

SECURITY!!! WE NEED SECURITY TO ESCORT MR. JOTSKY OUT OF HERE!!

Listen punk, I once did blow with Jack Benny off of Audrey Hepburn’s buttcrack!! NO ONE gives Hal Jotsky the hook! Hey Shane, what’s red and goes round and round? Declan James in a garbage disposal!! (BANZAI!!!)

SECURITY!!! GET UP THERE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET HIM OFF THE STAGE!!!

Hey Shane! Is it true you stick Declan James in a blender feet first just to watch his expression when you turn it on? (NUMMYNUBNUB!!!)

HAL JOTSKY!!! DEAR CHRIST!!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE EMMBER THAT HAL JOTSKY IS FROM A DIFFERENT ERA!!! PLEASE HAVE SOME PITY ON HIS IGNORANCE!!

WHAT’S RED, HOT, AND BUBBLY?? DECLAN JAMES IN A MICROWAVE!!! THANK YOU, LADIES AND GERMS!!! I LOVE YOU ALL…

GET THAT OLD BASTARD OUT OF HERE!!

BUT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, IS THE LADY CALLED COMEDY!!! I’M HAL JOTSKY AND YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST FROM ME!!! I’LL BE BACK!!

NO YOU WON’T YOU MONSTER!!! NEVER!!!

……………

……….

Ladies and gentlemen… please, accept my apologies.

Lord… Hal Jotsky… he’ll NEVER be back…

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Included are 411 reviews (where applicable)… because the 411 Movie Zone needs some luv!:

1) Shrek 2: $104.3 million ($125.2 million total since WEDNESDAY) This is one of those situations where everyone wins: The main actors win because get a HUGE audience AND their names on the marquee for doing very little work and not needing to go on the promotional junket AND get a big Summer movie to their credit (which is what most of these rich half-wits live and die on). Dreamworks wins because they get to stick another shiv in Disney’s carcass, they get their pick of top actors… top A-LIST STARS… and get to pay them practically nothing. They also make almost 100% profit here because all of the work is done in house and no one has to worry about insurance or catering or trailers. Kids win because they get a computery cartoon to gawk at and the parents win because they get either 90 minutes away from their brats for the first time in a week OR they get to enjoy a flick with enough grown-up jokes to keep them interested. The movie theaters win because the only thing kids do other than shit and scream is eat overpriced popcorn and drink overpriced soda. Disgruntled fat people (like Scott Keith) win because they get a green troll cartoon guy for a role model. Hyatte wins because…. Umm… actually, this doesn’t effect me in any sort of way… crap… Hyatte loses.

2) Troy: $23.8 million weekend ($85.8 million total) What bugs me about Brad Pitt is that he will drone on and on about how he went all Sean Penn-“method” in preparing for a role and carry himself like he’s some sort of brilliant thespian when everyone else sees him for what he is: A passable actor who made it on his face and looks. Plus his wife ain’t all that hot either… age has given Jennifer Aniston’s face a horse-like quality. Eric Bana redefines “bland” and Orlando Bloom is a confirmed fudge-packer.

3) Van Helsing: $10.1 million ($100.1 million total) I’ve seen this flick! Kate Beckinsale wasn’t all that hot… and her wig was annoying. She takes a few steps DOWN on the IWF 100 because of this movie.

There are THREE reviews for this movie here at 411… and not one of them is from Jacob “I’ll review anything” Ziegler… wonders: they refuse to cease

4) Mean Girls: $6.9 million ($64.6 million total). For those keeping score: Tina Fey now has one very respectable hit movie and is quite happy staying at Saturday Night Live while Jimmy Fallon has PAID FOR A TICKET AND WATCHED a hit movie, yet has left Saturday Night Live to embark on a movie career. The score is now Tina Fey: Sensible and smart… Jimmy Fallon: on crack.

Review courtesy of Jacob “I’ll review anything” Ziegler… fuckin’ naturally

5) Man on Fire: $3.5 million ($69.2 million total) I’m CONVINCED people are going to this movie just because they think it’s The Bodyguard 2 and Kevin Costner is just living up to this title. “Look Betty, that damn fool went and lit hisself on fire for the role!!”

In other movie news… word of mouth and killer reviews is making a nice hit out of the documentary Supersize Me… if you REALLY want to lose weight, go watch this flick and see what a steady diet of McDonalds does to your flabby ass!

In TV news… it’s not often when we get to watch a monster comeback from an actor that everyone figured was pretty much done with… ten years ago, Travolta was handed a new life on a silver platter… now, thanks to David E. Kelly… who should capture the imagination of the audience but goddamn mutherfudging CAPTAIN FRICKIN’ KIRK William Shatner HIMSELF!! Who, in a BILLION FUCKING YEARS would have figured SHATNER would get his ass on the comeback trail? NO ONE!! But man o’ live… if you watched ther last few eps of The Practice and NOT spend some serious time chanting: “Denny Crane” in all sorts of fun ways… then you are a stronger person than me.

“Denny Crane”

“Denny CRANE”

“DENny Crane”

“DENNY Crane”

Much… much stronger than me.

The Shat is Back!

Fleet Street: Sundays at 10 pm… this fall on ABC. By CHRIST it’s better than any Smackdown PPV… EVER!

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

With general bitching about hogging the main event slot away from Benoit… being backstage at Judgement Day rather than working a Raw house show, and general holding everyone-down-but-him-and-his-friends shenanigans, it looks like thwe CANCELATION of this runaway smash hit section is on hold…

Thus… without FURTHER adieu…

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Twatface, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

He is the ONLY person who could possibly convince Vince to fire the Undertaker and send him away! He is our last hope at stopping the Undertaker’s never-ending, decade + push. So be nice to him.

FORGET IT JAKE… IT’S… IT’S… WHERE ALL THE CHINKS LIVE… UMM… AW CRAP… LINE??

I lost about 5 weeks of recent ones when my documents were eaten up the other week… so if you sent me some stuff over the last month, send them again.

And again… TRY to be accurate with these… it helps.

Again… HUGE props to Justin Parr… by far the MVP of both the movie/TV lines and wrestling quotes… TAKE A BOW, JUSTIN, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!!!

This week… something for EVERYONE… starting with the comeback KID… toss in a little GENE “THE FUCK” HACKMAN… mix in a BIT of BURT “THE ALMOST BUT NOT QUITE FUCK” REYNOLDS… and wrap up with a send-off of my VERY own:

01): Khan, you bloodsucker!! You're going to have to do your own dirty work now! Do you hear me?! DO YOU?!

Kirrrrk! Kirk, you're still alive my old friend...

STILL… old… friend. You've managed kill just about everyone else. But like a poor marksman, you keep… missing… the target.

Perhaps I no longer need to try.

(Khan punches several buttons. The Genesis device is transported away)

Khan. … Khan, you've got Genesis... but you don't have me! You were going to kill me, Khan! You're going to have to come down here! You're going to have to come down here!

I've done far worse than kill you. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me... as you left her. Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet. Buried alive! (whispers) Buried aliiiiive!

KHAAAAAAAANN!!!- Star Trek II: The Wraith of Khan

02): Hey aren’t you the Bandit?

Why yes, I am.

Well since you have graced my fine establishment let me say that if there was a list of the biggest assholes walking the earth I would have you in the top five!

Hey, wait a minute. I’m a modern day legend.

Oh sorry. Make that in the top two.

Now hold on dammit. Men like me, women worship me kids love me. Old people adore me. I’m a folk hero. Now dammit get out here and love me or I’m going kick your scrawny ass!. - Smoky and the Bandit 2

03):There are two things I hate in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's beliefs and the Dutch.- Goldmember

04): We'll bring you the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and because we've got soccer highlights, the sheer pointlessness of a zero-zero tie.- Sports Night

05): I can’t believe it. That guy gets laid more dead than I do alive!- Weekend at Bernie's

06): There are also books full of great writing that don't have very good stories. Read sometimes for the story, Bobby. Don't be like the book-snobs who won't do that. Read sometimes for the words - the language. Don't be like the play-it-safers that won't do that. But when you find a book that has both a good story and good words, treasure that book.- Hearts in Atlantis

07): I smell a Nobel Prize, and the name on it reads “Busey” - I'm With Busey

08): What do you want to do? Play “hide the salami” with this woman?

Well, yeah- The French Connection

09): She doesn’t like Italians. Can you believe that? A Jew broad doesn’t like us? Now you gonna help me fuck her or not?- Goodfellas.

10): Can I at least have some french fries?

I said no, pecker breath, now shut up!- Midnight Run

11): Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to being mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes carved out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecap split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off and his penis…

THAT'S… that's quite enough, minstrel!- Monty Python and the Holy Grail

12): He’s not my boyfriend! I mean, I certainly didn’t betray you.

Drop the act Harm.

It’s not an act! I’m really this nervous!

I knew you would turn on me; I just didn’t know when.

What do you mean you KNEW?

Loyalty really isn’t high on your list.

Oh is that right? I’ll have you know, I am damn loyal, dumbass!

You betrayed me. You are betraying me now even as we are talking!

Because you never had any confidence in me!

No. Because you have no soul.

I WOULD if you had confidence in me

Get out of the building.

Are you firing me?

Among other things, yes.

… Do you think I can get a recommendation?

Yeah, okay.

But see… if you don’t so much live as the other thing…

It’s already on the desk.

You’re the best!- Angel

And alas… the end of the Buffy-Universe comes in full… damn, damn DAMN shame…

ABC SHOULD have offered Joss Whedon a home… with a REAL network budget. I see no reason why Angel couldn’t be a MONSTER hit for ABC… with better exposure…

Ah well, Whedon’s doing a year on the X-Men comic book… should be interesting, if only to see how long it takes him to completely gut out Grant Morrison’s 43 issue mega-novel.

Have I lost most of you with this sort of geek-speak yet? This is the loser side of Hyatte talking now… the ANTI L.L. Cool Hy

Anyways… for SOME of you, this is where we part ways… for the rest, this is where we take it home with one final, popular feature…

HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE

Okay… two things: 1) I’ve got PLENTY of questions for the time being… so only send in questions that you can afford to wait a while before getting an answer for… anything that requires immediate advice will only serve to disappoint you and make me feel guilty. And 2) Guys… you’re killing me with these novel-length questions… I need backstory, yes… but for chrissakes… LEARN TO EDIT… thanks

We start off the festivities with a rare bird here in Hyatte-Land… an actual FEMALE reader looking for Guidance…

Hi Hyatte!

I need the opinion of a guy who doesn't know me or the person I'm talking about. I have a guy friend who has graciously decided that he will buy me this $600 jacket I really, really want. I don't have a problem with this. I'm single, and the present is really frivolous, so I don't feel like I'm really indebted to him. I want the jacket, but I don't need the jacket.

My girl friends don't think I should accept the present; they think that he'll demand sex from me. Now, I've offered myself up to this guy numerous times on a silver platter, and he's never taken advantage of the offer. I really don't think that he's going to pay $600 for the jacket and turn around and tell me I have to fuck him.

That being said, why do you think he wants to buy me the jacket? I'm looking for your opinion because I know you'll have a whole different way of looking at this.

Thanks!

Mel

He’s in love with you maybe?

Honey, trust me… there ARE guys… TONS of them… MILLIONS of them (and I’m not being sarcastic either), who will buy you a $600 jacket SPECIFICALLY so they can turn around and demand sex. It’s called the “Guilt Trip Fuck” and by God, we don’;t care how pathetic it is!

I don’t know WHY he would buy you a jacket if you have already offered up the lovestuff and he hasn’t taken the hint. Maybe you’re too subtle? Maybe he has confidence issues and can’t read the signs?

Why don’t you ask him why he wants to buy you the jacket? On second thought, don’t… he’d lie anyway and just say something vague like, “Because I felt like it.”

I say: Turn down the jacket… don’t accept it. You’re friends will assume you fucked him for it and talk shit about you behind your back… suddenly you’ll have a rep. No good.

Furthermore… if you like the guy and can’t figure out if he likes you back… why don’t you do the both of you a favor and just attack him. If he responds, then you’ll know he’s simply a clueless putz who likes you. If he backs you away and says “Whoa, kitten,” then you know he’s a homo! Either way, you’ll have figured him out!

By the way, being a FEMALE reader of mine, do I get a shot at you? I am, after all, fucking Hyatte.

Are you a fan of the late, great Bill Hicks?

He’s dead, isn’t he?

I missed the whole Bill Hicks thing, sorry. I can’t remember one stand-up appearance he did. I do have a memory of seeing his face on stage with a microphone, but no actual material of his comes to mind.

Please, don’t take this as an invite to send me Hicks mp3s or CDs or videos. Thanks. Niced thing about this question is that I can just refer to the Guide to Life Archives at Flea’s site. A LOT of advice in there, a few of them, I’m sure, applies to YOUR situations!

Sorry if this question sounds familiar, since every second question you get has to do with relationships. My story is that I'm 18, doing an extra senior year of highschool (to play sports and figure out what I want to do with my life), and am wondering what I should do when it comes to a particular girl that I kind of like. It actually goes deeper than this, though, and this is kind of a two part question and may get kind of long.

I have good reason to believe that I am a pretty good looking guy, with a good body, a good sense of humour and good at talking about anything and really smart (gifted program all of my life). The problem is despite not having any real problems attracting girls, I suck at actually making a connection with them. I would need to move to my toes in order accurately count on my fingers the amount of girls I know who recently or currently into me. This number has a lot to do with the "cool somewhat older guy" factor, as well as the fact that they've only really known me since I've gotten into really good shape and bloomed personality wise (I used to be kind of shy), but in the past there was also lots of girls who I'm pretty sure liked me but I just didn't have the confidence to do anything about that.

To this day, I usually just let the girl make any moves and if I'm somewhat interested I just recipricate their advances. All of these experiences, as well as my good sense of judging people's intentions means I can usually tell if someone's crushing on me or not.

Despite this, however, there's this girl who I like, but am having trouble reading. Sometimes I get the sense that I could probably get her, but sometimes other things give me the sense that she could just be interested as a friend. The other day for example, I gave her a ride home after I finished rugby practice (she plays on the girl's team, and she doesn't fit the stereotype of a girls player at all, she's really cute) and I just picked up signs from her that she kind of liked me. When she saw a couple of mix cds in my car she said she had the exact same taste in music, and that a similar taste in music is where it starts, or something to that effect but more like she was talking about a relationship or something. I haven't spent that much time with her, but she seems to laughs at my jokes and is into some light flirting, saying will stay for and be a cheerleader at my rugby

games coming up. She sometimes asks me if I'm going to the gym that night, and doesn't seem to hate the thought of my company. She kind of does that thing where she agrees with you about most things, but we also have similar interests so it could just be that. How should I flirt with her, and maybe eventually casually suggest we go out or something.

The problems are that I know of at least two other guys who interested in her. One is just trying to wheel her, but the other is a really good friend of mine. Both of these guys have a lot more experience with girls than I do, but my friend has jedi powers or something when it comes to women. My friend is also not looking for a relationship with her, but just looking to fool around. This guy gets more bush than a field, and always has like three girlfriends at once. He is the type of guy that you would kill with your bare hands if he started dating your sister. I know he has made more head way than I have with her too, but it may be just harmless flirting. Like I said, the guy is a really good friend, but any girl that goes out with him will eventually get hurt. If it came down to it and she had to choose between us, most girls would probably choose him, but it really depends on what look you prefer. I also wouldn't feel right getting sloppy seconds from him.

So Hyatte, what should I do. Should I make an attempt to pursue her, and if I should, any advice on how to. Thanks a lot.

Just give me a pseudonymm.

Okay…

Dear Douchebag, when a girl says that she likes the same music that you do, it usually means that she likes the same music that you do, and nothing else. Quit reading too much into every little thing she says… you’ll go berserk.

The girl likes you. She thinks you’re really sweet. Ask for her number. Call her. While speaking on the phone, ask her out on a date. If she says yes, write to me and I’ll tell you what to do next. If she turns you down, let it slide. It doesn’t sound like you have too many feelings invested into her yet, so you can handle her turning you down.

I do advise that you ask her out quickly… today if you can. Beat your friend, Joe Fuckemallanddiesmiling to the punch, because from what you’ve described, it’s not a matter of whom she likes more, it’s a matter of you getting to her before he does… then you’re fucked.

I like your outlook… you are going to have a LOT of trim if you just keep this attitude.

Im 34 2 kids 11 boy girl 8. My wife"bitch" left me and the kids to be happy. The question I have is I have heard you on numerous occasions saying you are destined to be alone and have accepted that. I do not believe my kids would be accepting of a step mom or Dad taking attention from them for a few years atleast high school. What can I do to help myself accept the fact that the only thing I'll be bangin for awhile is myself.

Tim

Timmy, mine is a life I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And not everyone can take it. Hell, even Scott Keith is so afraid of loneliness he’s apparently getting ready to move to a whole new part of his country just to be with some fat chick (I’m assuming… I mean, look at the guy, he aint getting models) he met a few months ago.

In other words… get someone to sit for the kids and go date away. Don’t just hump your fist for ten years like you’re in some bad Kevin Smith flick. LIVE, dammit… the kids should be son asleep by the time you bring any new piece of tail home anyway.

If you want to be “SuperDad”, then sit the kids down and explain to them that daddy likes to meet and be friends with other people and the ones he likes the most he will let them meet and look over. Kids are surprisingly open to stuff like this, especially if they have good parents. You sound like you could be one of those.

'ello Cap'n Hyatte,

I ain't so much in a bind that needs untangling as I'd just like an objective opinion on my situation.

I just moved from the Chicago area to Phoenix, out in Arizoney.

Now back in Chi-town, I had begun a relationship with a lovely young lass. She used to show up at my place of work once every couple of months in the morning when no one else was there. Eventually we started talking during these visits, and then making out during these visits, and shit built up from that. (I was not a very good employee, in retrospect).

Now the only obstacles seemed to be an instense social anxiety disorder that verged on agoraphobia...she can't use phones, can almost never leave her house, and can only use the computer once in a great while. I had only been with her outside of work three times ever. I've chatted with her online twice ever. I've gotten emails as frequent as every other day to once every 3 or 4 months.

Anyway, I found out she was going to move out to Arizona, so I decided to move along with my family beforehand. She is supposed to move out here within the year, though I haven't heard from her since, like, February or March(Email), which isn't unusual for her.

I'm not especially desperate (http://www.facethejury.com/profile.asp?user_name=sillyratboy if you want a face to go with the advice, no I don't care if you let people see this, I'm pretty open), I'm just a romantic, or maybe masochistic, I don't really know which. I'm actually very picky and shallow, just not about the stuff that probably REALLY matters.

We've "been together" for almost a year and a half now, and I know she has a lethal fear of people "giving up on her" due to the vague illness she seems to have. (Sorry that I can't be more specific, you now know as much as I do.)

Anyhow, maybe you've got some sorta insight into all this.

James Fiend

Nope, not really… other than to say that the girl sounds like more trouble than she’s worth. Just be glad you found a reason to leave Chicago… I hear it’s either damn frickin’ cold or damn frickin’ hot.

I bet she shows up. I also bet you’ll end up wishing she never left Chicago.

Hey Hyatte, I need advice pretty bad and from somebody that'll tell me like it is and not sugarcoat the shit.

Anyway let me get to my problem, my mom was just recently diagnosed with cervical cancer. She's pretty healthy and young (45) so it came as a shock to us. The doctor did a couple of biopsies and is going to get back to us in a week to see what stage it is in.

Now heres the problem, my mom refuses to do any kind of chemo or radiation therapy. She has seen a bunch of her friends go through chemo and radiation and still die. But worst of all was her brother who went through it all and still ended up dying. She has seen them go through the pain and suffering and all the other crap cancer treatments put them through and she doesn't want to go through it herself. She will do the extensive hysterectomy, she has no problem with that but there's a small problem. If the cancer is

above stage one the doctors wont even consider surgery until radiation and/or chemo weakens the cancer a bit.

I have tried many times to convince her to change her mind, Ive gone on-line and read multiple books and tried to give her facts. Again she doesn't want to hear it and is always referring back to her brother who died so horribly. I even try to point out that he had a different cancer (throat) but that seems to upset her more. I know my mom comes off as a bit selfish here but she is far from it, shes a great person and nobody who meets her can say a bad word about her. And I'm just not ready to see her die just because she has fears about the cancer treatments. I know she is a grown women and can do whatever the hell

she wants but I refuse to just stand by and just watch her die, shes WAY too important to me.

So Hyatte, what should I do here? I don't want to push the subject too hard as it seems to upset her very much yet I don't want to stand around like a jackass. Whatever advice

you can throw to me would be much appreciated Hyatte and please don't sugarcoat it as many others have in the past. Thanks

Brian

…..

….Okay, no sugarcoating.

Brian, does your mom accept the fact that she’s gonna DEFINITELY die without the chemo? She’ll probably die with it, but without it all hope is gone.

So does she?

If she does (and I HAVE to assume she knows she’s going out), then this means she WANTS to… and if she WANTS to die, then I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to accept the fact that your time with her is now limited.

YOU want her to live… YOU want her to go through the dignity-killing trauma of a less-than-surefire/best-we-can-do treatment for a horrible disease. YOU want her to suffer because YOU don’t want to let her go.

Yeah, that’s selfish.

Let the woman go out on her own terms. She has the right. Just be sure to spend as much time with her as you can while you still have it. Live for today with her. Enjoy every minute you can. Make her last days as nice as possible. Be the son.

Sorry man, it’s a tough fucking deal. You have my sympathies AND condolences.

If she ISN’T quite aware that her days will be numbered, you had best get every single doctor you can to explain it to her as succinctly as possible. If there is a way for her to live through this, you have to find a way to get through to her that she has NO choice if she wants to live. None. Bang it into her head.

Best I can do.

Hey Hyatte, Firs the question. Whats the best city iin America to dissappear from life? I say New Orleans. Still in America, but third world enough to lose everybody you've ever known. Bars open 24 hours. If you want their are plenty of off-shore oil rigs to work on. There's gambling and music. If you play your cards right you can become a Creascent City legend.

Two: Where has David Flair gone? I know he was hated by everybody in the world, as he should be. But I would like to know what he's been up to since he's dropped off the radar screen in the last year or so. I imagine him stone drunk at a bar every night, explaining how yes, he in fact did have sex with Stacy Keibler. Then the drunks next to him would laugh, knock his drink over and give 'em a punch to the stomach. He would start crying of course. Find David Flair, Hyatte. His story could be a good one.

1) Vegas and/or New York and/or the Florida Keys. Alaska too. Definitely Alaska

2) Who gives a crap?

Geoff Shannon

Hey Hyatte, I have a simple one for you. Its almost simple to me, but I don't know anymore.

Let's start from the beginning: I had a good job as a SR. Tech for a Wireless company making alot of money, with only a High-School education. Last summer I decided to quit and pursue an Associates degree in Database Administration and Computer Networking. I now have no time to make money, Im relying on pensions and savings (=an allowance that sucks). I sometimes wish I had never gone back to school. I used to be able to go jam out at local gigs (I play guitar) and drink and hang all the time, if I was off the next day. Now me and my Girlfriend get lucky for a TacoBell brunch on Sundays.

Should I hang on until November when I get my degrees and become A+,MCSE,

etc. certified? Or should I go back to making money now? Don't tell me to pimp my girlfriend or sell crack either, I tried it and I can't wear my bulletproof vest to school anymore, its against the dress-code. No really, I want your opinion because I've read your column for quite some time now and hope you can help me out here.

Take care, and keep up the half-way decent fucking work!

No name

Well, I ALMOST screamed about how the great Flea has managed to amass quite a fortune without hardly stepping foot on a college campus other than to hunt some loser down on a pool tab, but something in your letter caught my eye and made me change my mind here…

You get your big ass degree this November, right? Just 5 quick months away?

Eh, might as well stick around, finish what you started, get your degree and THEN go back to making money. You’ll feel better and you’ll have something to brag about.

It’s just 5 months, dude… suck it up and make the end run.

Speaking of end runs, I just made mine here! Hooray!!

Short and sweet: In Thursday’s column, FLEA, VINCE, Scooter, MAYBE a little goofing on Dave Scherer, a BOOK selection, hopefully a touch of RASSLIN’news… and who knows what else.

Next week here, the return of Alexa!! Oooh, this’ll be fun! Some old school site/web fag bashing! Widro loves it!

I don’t have a single thing to say here.

This is Hyatte